How ARW Saved My Day

Thank you to mom, Niki M., for sharing this post with us!

My husband and I were about to become forever parents to our two foster kids!  We were thrilled. There was so much excitement in our house as we counted down to adoption day. Our children attended a pre-school and we realized that other children may question why their last names changed. I needed a way to introduce adoption to three-year-olds in a way they would understand. I decided I would visit Barnes and Noble.

At the time, there were so many things on my plate, that I didn’t get to the book store until the week before adoption. Surely, I thought, that would not be an issue. Barnes & Noble is so large; I never doubted that they would have an appropriate book in stock. After visiting three different locations that day, along with one stop at Half Price Books, I came up empty handed. All of the children’s adoption books were about adopting an infant! This would not help my son and daughter’s classmates understand our situation. And now I no longer had time to order a book online. What could I do?

Then I thought about Adoption Resources of Wisconsin. I learned about the organization when they visited our final adoption class. The office was also conveniently located close to my home. I knew they had a library where you could reserve books online and have them sent to you. I called to see if I would be able to stop in the office and view the library myself, since the adoption was only days away. While I was there, I was blown away by the various books they offered! I was able to find the perfect book for my kids: Susan and Gordon Adopt a Baby (a Sesame Street book). Although the word “baby” is in the title, the child in the book is not an infant. He is a toddler and he comes to Sesame Street to live with Susan and Gordon forever.

The day after adoption day, my children brought cookies to their class, along with the book. The other kids learned what adoption was in simple terms from the Sesame Street characters and were able to celebrate our family’s wonderful day.

Adoption Resources of Wisconsin has many adoption resources. Whether you are adopting through foster care, adopting domestically, traveling internationally to adopt a baby, etc., Adoption Resources of Wisconsin has great information ready for you. You do not have to visit their office. They have tip sheets and documents on their website. You can also view their library online and they will mail materials directly to you! If you prefer to talk to someone, give them a call and they will happily take the time to listen to you and help find answers to any of your questions. Thank you, Adoption Resources of Wisconsin!

We’re happy we were able to help Niki and her family celebrate their very special day! They have remained connected to ARW since they finalized the adoptions of their children. Our thanks to Niki for sharing her story – and for giving such a lovely testimonial about our programs, services, and resources for families.

Becky & Ben Adopt: A Journey to Baby

My name is Becky and I’ve been a volunteer photographer with Adoption Resources of Wisconsin since 2011. Through this program, I donate portrait sessions to high school seniors that are in foster care. These kids are amazing and their stories are profound. Many of them have never had professional photos taken, and I’m honored to be able to offer them a lasting keepsake of this important time in their lives.

Today, Adoption Resources of Wisconsin asked me to be a guest blogger, as my husband and I begin our journey to find our children. We will not be having children in the traditional sense. Instead, we are searching for the right child and waiting for expectant parents who will put their trust in us as they choose us to raise their child through adoption.

Here is our story:

Ben and I have been married over five years. For over three years, we’ve been trying to start a family, but sadly, it has not happened. While I can get pregnant quite easily, I always miscarry. So far, we’ve had six miscarriages. The first one was incredibly sad . . . while sitting in the ultrasound room, we were told there was no heartbeat. It completely took us by surprise; we were over 10 weeks along and had just started telling a few people. We mourned the loss of our baby, but set out to try again. We kept hearing that it was completely normal to have a miscarriage and that, statistically, the second pregnancy would likely be healthy. Only . . . the second one was a miscarriage, too. So was the next one. And next one. And next one. After that, I was pretty miserable and couldn’t even begin to describe the emotions that I was dealing with at that point. I needed some time off, so we waited a full year before trying again. Just this fall, we gave it another shot, and that pregnancy ended in miscarriage, too. This last one was especially sad because I was due on my 31st birthday, and because I miscarried on Christmas Day. Let me tell you, having a much-anticipated pregnancy end on Christmas can make someone feel that they’ve hit the bottom. I mourned the loss of all my pregnancies, but this last one was the worst. I felt like a dream was totally out of reach. All the testing we had done showed completely normal results and doctors could find no reason why we’d lose each pregnancy.

It’s terribly sad to think that you may never have children when you’ve wanted them so badly for your entire life. It’s hard to be excited for friends who are expecting babies of their own. It’s downright traumatic to think about going to a baby shower and being excited for the momma-to-be, when you know that you may never get to experience that joy. And it’s awful trying to explain to a friend why you simply can’t attend a baby shower without crying. That is a quick way to ruin a happy occasion. Of course, deep down I was very happy for my friends and their babies, but I’d be lying if I said I never once wondered why something so wonderful couldn’t happen to me . . . just once. Hearing about women getting pregnant then leaving their babies at hospitals, young girls getting pregnant that are simply not at a place in their lives to take care of a child . . . things like that made me cry. They made me angry. I KNEW we’d be good parents, and honestly, I questioned why God would let this happen to us. It’s weird to think that I am a mother of six . . . yet I have no living children. Even though I never held them or comforted them, their loss is deeply felt and I will grieve for a lifetime.

Franchesca Fox said: “A mother is not defined by the number of children you can see, but by the number she holds in her heart.”

I love that quote. In our society where no one talks about pregnancy loss or grief for babies we never get to hold, it was reassuring to hear that my unborn babies counted for something more than a note on a medical chart. I’ve had so many people tell me that I’m “so strong,” but you know what? I am sad. I feel this deeply. Sometimes I fall apart. It wasn’t just the loss of another baby. . . it felt like the loss of my dream for my life.

So the last few weeks I’ve been trying to find inspiration and comfort wherever I can. We purchased six little crystal angel ornaments in memory of our unborn babies for our Christmas tree. I’ve gotten a lot of comfort from a few things I found through Pinterest, of all places. This was my favorite:

I can tell you that six miscarriages both weakened my faith, then strengthened it. I’m thankful. So very thankful that my faith has gotten stronger. And I’m thankful that my marriage has gotten stronger, too. Something like infertility can easily tear a couple apart, but I have a good man. Though he processes this experience differently than I do, I know it’s something he feels deeply.

This post isn’t meant to be so sad. I do have positive things ahead . . . please keep reading.

One interesting thing about my miscarriages is that they are a “missed miscarriage,” meaning that the baby’s heartbeat and growth stop, but my body continues to recognize the pregnancy for several weeks. So for these last pregnancies, I always knew in advance that I’d lost the pregnancy before I actually miscarried. Especially during this last pregnancy, I spent a lot of time in prayer, asking God to either take away this intense desire to become a mother, or to help us find a path to parenthood. My husband had talked about adoption years ago, but since it was quickly becoming a reality rather than something in the distant future, he wasn’t comfortable talking about it. For the sake of my marriage, I decided that I would not ask him about it any more. If we were meant to adopt, I wanted the path to be clear without badgering my way to it.

“For this child I prayed and the Lord answered my prayer”
1 Samuel 1:27

Then I received the best Christmas gift, ever. My husband secretly did some research on adoption, and on Christmas Eve, he told me that he made us an appointment at an adoption agency for the following week. I knew I would likely be miscarrying the next day, and honestly, this one act of kindness that he did made such a huge difference as I went through that heartbreaking miscarriage. Knowing that there was still hope for a family someday was a game-changer. A few days ago, we met with the adoption agency and have decided to move forward with the adoption process.

For us, this means getting put on the waiting list at the agency, as well as trying to locate a birth mother ourselves. We realize this process could still take years and that there are no guarantees. But we are hopeful that we will find a clear path to our future child. Through out networking with friends, family, and those we know through our businesses, we’re reaching out to share our story.

I created a website to introduce us to birth parents who might be looking for adoptive parents. You can see it here and read a little more about us: http://beckyandbenadopt.blogspot.com. We also started a Facebook page to make it easy to follow our journey: www.facebook.com/beckyandbenadopt.

Thanks for reading our story, and more thanks for keeping us in your mind and prayers as we move forward.

Many thanks to Becky for sharing her story on our blog. I was in tears as I read and I hope Becky will come back and continue to update us on her journey. -Jenna

Letter from a Foster Child

The following essay was written by D., a young woman who entered the home of her closest friend two years ago.  In September, the family whom she lives with petitioned for permanent guardianship.  It was granted.

As D. continues to heal from neglect she experienced as a child in an alcoholic family, she has found her wings: a straight-A student, she is active in a number of different extra-curricular activities.  But she has deepened her roots too: with the support of her foster/guardian family, she has been able to build a stronger relationship with her adult sisters and nieces and nephews, as well as her mother, whom she was able to visit over Thanksgiving.

Constantly I am asked if am embarrassed that I live with my friend as a foster child, but honestly, I am proud. Telling myself that I could do better in life, I took myself out of a bad situation and started a new chapter in my life.

Personally, I believed my mother when she said that I wouldn’t be able to become anyone. Before [I made the decision to call out for help], I felt like a doll; I didn’t get to choose my actions or who I wanted to be — that was all done for me. Now I have an opportunity to become whatever I could dream of; I have the ability to be myself and create my own story.

Having five sisters and a little brother, I imagined leaving them to live 1000 miles away. Thinking they were irate with me, I couldn’t [bring] myself to call them.  Miserable with the thought that my siblings hated me, didn’t even want to hear my name, I started to shut down. I wouldn’t talk to anyone and I cried a lot.

Thinking I was selfish, ignorant, the first couple of months I couldn’t do it, I wasn’t strong enough, I had the perfect support system. Embarrassed yes, I was for a while, but [finally] I thought, ‘how can I even think about being embarrassed?’  I had to be strong enough to tell my mom I didn’t want to live with her.

I told her I needed better; I left.

Am I proud of my choices, yes, of course; I did the right thing.  I am proud I am a foster child.

Thanksgiving Adoption

by Debbie Maley

Do you remember Nov. 24^th, 2009? The Maley family does. It is a day that we will never forget.

Wait, I am getting ahead of myself. Maybe I should start from the beginning.

In 2006, it just got to be too hard for me to work full-time, so we turned our business over to our daughter.

I remember thinking, “I have worked since I was 12 years old. What was I going to do without a job?” Then I thought about my husband telling me about all the kids in the foster care system, and how more and more youngsters were entering because of abuse, and it really upset him.

I sat down with him and asked him if he still thought about being foster parents and he said, “Yes!”

We sat down with our daughter and told her what we wanted to do and she supported us 100%.

We started out with two young siblings. They were with us for five months and they went up for adoption. It was a very hard decision to make, but we had to let them go. We just couldn’t handle two young children. They ended up going to a wonderful family and we were very they had found a great family.

The week they were gone was very hard. With those two children gone, our house once again was pretty empty.

A few days later, we received a phone call from our caseworker. She told us that she was aware we were having a difficult time with the two kids being gone, but she said had an emergency placement for a six-month-old baby boy. We said, “Yes, bring him.”

There sat this scared little boy. I immediately picked him up, and talked to him to try and ease his fears. That is until our daughter showed up. She immediately grabbed him out of my arms and the instant chemistry was there.

We had Kobi for 15 months when one Tuesday morning our caseworker called and said. “You are going to have a Thanksgiving baby.” I couldn’t believe my ears. I will admit I cried. I immediately called my husband and daughter who happened to be together and told them the good news. Nov. 24^th we would be adopting Kobi and he would be part of our family.

Has it been easy? Sometimes no, but it is so worth it. Kobi has gone through two surgeries and the death of a someone who was very close to the family whom he adored. He has spent a lot of time at doctors and now a therapist is helping him deal with death at the young age of four.

Kobi is a typical boy. Yes, he gets in to trouble, but his smiles, the love he has for you, the way he cares for you, the way the room lights up when he walks in is incredible!

Kobi is so much like all of us and fits in this family perfectly. You can have a bad day and that little boy will brighten it for you. He has brought so much enthusiasm in to this family.

He is like our daughter was when she was little: very easily excited and thrilled about doing new things.

Our daughter is all grown up now and she totally understands why we adopted Kobi. She is very protective over him and helps us care for him, if needed. She was born in 1980 and has waited a long time to get a brother.

If you are wondering if this is possible for you to do this? Well, the answer is yes. Please, take a chance. These kids are so worth it. Is it hard work? Yes, sometimes it is but again so worth it.

You see, my husband and I were 50 when we adopted Kobi, so we are basically starting over and it has been worth every minute. The joy, the excitement, the thrill. We thank God for bringing this boy in to our lives!

Bringing home a princess

by Brigette Kutschma

December 1, 2006

The floor in the lobby of the Guatemala City Marriott began to show the tracks, a path virtually worn from two sets of feet that paced round and round. In reality, there were many feet pacing the Marriott lobby that day and the years prior—all marching the nervous pacing circuit, awaiting the moment that would change lives forever.

On December 1^st, we were only cognizant of the two feet under our own nose. Funny how we could even sense our feet, given the nervous booms coming from our hearts, and the fluttering of a million “mariposas” in our stomach. We paced the lobby circuit, probably still in disbelief that the months and years of waiting, wondering, praying, and longing, would soon be coming to fruition. At any moment, we would meet our three-month old daughter in the Marriott Lobby. The pacing, in whatever small way, helped quash the urge to burst out of the Marriott’s front doors and into the city streets in a frantic “I-can’t-wait-one-single-second-more-to-hold-my–daughter” proclamation.  Thankfully, had that happened, few would have understood my crazed English anyways!

I paused from my own circuit, near the main lobby entrance, the nerves and excitement catching up with me instantaneously. Apparently, they had been chasing me the whole time.  As I paused, I scanned. I scanned the crowd for any stitch of familiarity, in this land of beautiful, foreign faces. I was looking for the baby girl that we had come to love through pictures and a promise.

The sliding glass doors opened, as they had done one million times that morning, but on this occasion, the Princesita had arrived.

She arrived fast asleep, bundled like a pink burrito. When the foster mother gently–and a bit hesitantly–handed the pink burrito to me, the world stopped. Yes, it is true that you can literally hold your hopes and dreams in the palm of your hand. I gazed, in disbelief and awe. And just like that, the “Sleeping Pink Burrito Princesita” popped open her sweet little eyes, and met her parents for the very first time.

April 2007

The four-month span from December to April was agonizing and heart-wrenching, as our magical moment on December 1^st only represented our ‘visit trip’ to Guatemala. We had to return home, without our precious daughter, and wait for the final approval to take her home forever and ever.

At the time, four months seemed like an eternity to wait after our visit trip; but in retrospect, we now understand that four months was a breeze compared to so many others who traverse their own difficult adoption journeys.

Once finally home with our Princesita in April, we found ourselves very much on a circuit –a different circuit–than the one we paced in the Guatemalan Marriott lobby. Instead of doing the waiting dance, we were now in full new-parent mode, elated and cruising around our home in absolutely no definitive pattern, just trying to find the fastest route to the changing table, the crib, the refrigerator, the toys . . . high on life and baby wipes. Our daughter, Marcella (pronounced Mar-say-a) lit up our home in Lake Geneva with her effervescent smile, happy eyes, and bubbly personality.

 

A few weeks after we came home with Marcella, I stumbled upon some literature from our adoption agency. It was something that I had read a long time ago, while we were in the waiting process. At the time, I had circled and highlighted the information about a local group called “Latin American Adoptive Families of Wisconsin” (LAAF). I was a new mom–an adoptive new mom at that–and the quick research that I did on the group looked promising and resourceful.

Some decisions we make have profound impact in our lives, which we do not fully realize until later. Thankfully, I was able to see the instant gratification of getting involved with LAAF, but I know that I will still be reaping the LAAF benefit for our lifetimes and then some. My decision to attend a LAAF playgroup with my eight-month old daughter opened many doors, and kindled invaluable friendships and connections. One playgroup led to another, which led to social, educational & cultural events galore, mom’s nights out, online adoption support from other similarly situated families, fun-filled Fiestas—everything an adoptive family could dream of.

We have been involved with LAAF for over five years. The non-profit organization was started in 2003 by caring families that had adopted from Latin American countries. It continues to provide fun and engaging activities for children and their families, while deeming charitable “Giving Back” work as a priority. 2013 is ripe with new events, such as a Three Kings Day event in January, Bowling in February, and the annual Fiesta in late Spring. [http://www.laafwi.org/]

Our family is so grateful for the opportunity to bond with other families that share in this awesome adoption adventure. When our children get together and partake in LAAF activities, it is not just about the ‘fun factor’ (although that is a BIG part of it). There is an underlying thread—far beyond their beautiful dark eyes and hair—that binds the children and their parents together.

Her future’s so bright, she’s gotta wear shades!

October 31, 2012

These days we aren’t pacing with nerves, nor are we chasing around the house looking for baby bottles. Our ‘circuit’ this past week was one of a Halloween march through friendly neighborhoods. One that I painstakingly dreamt about, some six years ago, while we waited for our daughter. And one that makes for sweet dreams these nights…

Halloween Night 2012–Marcella AKA “Senorita Cleopatra” with her forever friends, “Dorothy” and the “Swamp Monster.”

This Halloween, we marched (or ran, or skipped) along the sidewalk with some of our very best “amigos”, who we met through LAAF five years ago. Dorothy, Cleopatra, and the Swamp Monster, were busy canvassing and collecting candy like nobody’s business. The mamas, also friends united through adoption, both keenly high-on-life as we watched our children grab trick-or-treating by the reins. These same mamas–also intuitively aware of the blessings bestowed upon us through adoption.

Marcella, our Princesita. Six years old.
She loves gymnastics, horses, 1st grade, reading chapter books, the color pink, and her family.

About the Blog Author:

Brigette is a former attorney, turned full-time Mamacita to Marcella (six—Guatemala), and Pedro (two—biological). She is married to George, who was born in Peru. The family is eternally grateful for adoption, and for the connection to Latin American Adoptive Families of Wisconsin (LAAF). Brigette currently serves as President of LAAF, and encourages anyone interested in becoming involved with the organization to contact her at president@laafwi.org, or for more information, http://www.laafwi.org.